
*image pulled from http://www.funnysigns.net/hell-freezes-over/
“What has the world come to?” I asked myself for at least the hundredth time as I trod East along the once busy interstate, constantly scanning the vibrantly hued horizon for threats.
“It all went down so fast,” I mumbled to the mangy dog of indistinguishable breed that padded along beside me. I had picked him up as I traveled through the harrowing streets of Lansing. It was there that I said I would try to avoid cities. People were just getting too unpredictable.
#
It had only been eighteen months since the world went to shit. It started with the escalation of tensions in the Middle-East. Israel decided that they had had enough of Palestine and used their “Star of David”. The world drew a collective gasp as two hundred and fifty thousand people died instantly in the first nuclear bomb used as a weapon in more than fifty years. The ‘survivors’ started dying shortly after.
I believed that humanity might have survived that terrible event. I thought that no-one would be stupid enough to run headlong down that path again. But I was wrong.
Now that the proverbial cat was out of the bag, and nuclear weapons were being used, the whole world started solving their disputes with a great finality. India was the first to embrace the concept that its quarrel could be solved with Pakistan, once and for all. Then the Chinese solved their Tibetan problems, the Russians their Georgian problems. Britain and France regained their animosity and both countries are now wastelands. The rest of Europe is slowly choking on radioactive fall-out. The African warlords started using low level “dirty bombs” to settle tribal feuds.
Remarkably the U.S. decided not to use any nuclear weapons. There were not any real threats to us from our neighbors, and the rest of the world was caught up in territorial disputes. There were a few jihadist that tried to extinguish the “infidels”, but the high level of security and diligence of Homeland Security proved to be effective. I wish that our country’s internal security would have been as effective.
America’s infrastructure fell apart as fuel and food became sparse. People had no income as the jobs went away. We didn’t know how to act once we were stuck in one place with limited food, supplies, and information. It was if a reset button had taken us back a hundred years.
I used to have a family. I used to be a Finance Supervisor in the Mid-West’s largest tribal casino. I used to have a life. But the fall-out and dust from all the bombs started a mini ice age. Fodder and daily materials began to disappear. People started acting “funny”. The local governments were ineffective at preventing looting and in-home violence was becoming rampant. Your neighbors no longer looked at you because they thought you were scoping them out.
#
I walked in a daze as I remembered how I lost my family. It happened on a Sunday; God’s day. I woke early in our home that had transformed from a modern house to a cozy abode. The power and gas had been cut off and we had resorted to candles and a makeshift stove for heat and light. I decided to make my wife breakfast in bed. Most of our food was gone, but we had a little coffee, rice and sugar. I remember how hollow the cabinets sounded as I tossed about their limited contents, wishing we had some cinnamon when I felt a presence behind me. I barely had time to turn before I was knocked unconscious.
When I came to, groggy and dazed, I panicked and ran up the stairs. I had to see if my family was safe.
I had never lost anyone close to me. The only time I had ever seen a dead body was when a friend’s father had died – of natural causes. People used to say that violence on television and video games had desensitized America, but I was not prepared for what I saw.
My two year old daughter, who had snuck into our bed in the middle of the night, had been casually tossed against the wall. Her sweet face was oblivious to the odd angle of her twisted body. I let out a moan of the purest agony and fell to my knees. My light felt as if it had been extinguished. I could not think. I could not breath.
A sound, like the last bit of water circling a drain, caught my attention. I ran to the bed and found my wife clutching her throat. Fresh, hot blood seeped from her between her fingers as she desperately tried to move her head to see if her precious child was safe.
“Oh Baby…” I said as I pushed aside the crumpled, tangled mass that had been the bed covers. My eyes widened in surprise when there was also blood flowing from the place only I had been in many years.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” was all I could say as my shaking hand soothed her sweaty hair.
The coppery smell of blood saturated the room as the color drained from her face. She struggled to see behind me, trying to see her daughter. Her lips formed our child’s name and a terrible gurgle issued from her bluing lips.
“She’s fine,” I stated.
My world was ending.
“She’s still sleeping,” I soothed as tears fell from my reddened eyes. “She’ll be just fine, you kept her safe,” I lied.
But it worked and she stopped struggling and became more restive.
“I…I…I louph uge,” she managed as her eye lids became increasingly heavy.
“I love you too,” I managed to moan, before numbly adding, ”I get her, and we’ll take a nap together.”
I don’t know how many days I lay there. I remember being weak and dehydrated when I collected my camping gear. My hands felt like lead as I packed a down sleeping bag, portable stove, warm clothing, hunting knives, my Mossberg 500, ammo and my family’s picture. There was’t much food, but I gathered that as well.
#
I was numb to the core as I walked away from the conflagration that had been my home. I simply walked South, clutching the Zippo in a white knuckle grip as the ugly glare of orange tainted the pewter skies of predawn.
It took me all day to walk the ten miles to Ithaca. I had to tell my in-laws that I had failed to protect their daughter and grand-baby. I don’t have a clear recollection of how that went. There was a lot of crying, some foul language, and I left feeling worse that before.
I had no purpose anymore, I was living in Hell. And so it was Hell that I decided to go to: Hell, Michigan. Hell is a podunk little town just Northwest of Ann Arbor. It’s unofficial population is two hundred and twenty six and I figured it would be the perfect place for me to evolve into the demon that was possessing me.
I made my way South following U.S. 127, under wintry clouds. It took me almost a week of one foot in front of the other in an eerily gray and silent world, before I made the 30 mile journey to St. Johns. I decided to ‘pop’ over to my friend Anthony’s house for a visit. At least that was the story I had told myself. I really just needed a friendly face and familiar atmosphere to keep me from going mad.
“Tummy?” he asked, using the nickname he dubbed me in college, “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, just doing a little back-packing,” I replied jovially.
“Where’s June and Libby?” he asked haltingly as a growing look of concern spread across his kind face as he took in my ragged appearance.
“Home,” I flatly stated.
“Are they okay?”
“They are now.”
“What do you mean… now?”
“Do you have some water? I could really use some water,” I changed the subject.
“Yeah, come on in. But leave your shotgun in the laundry room, I don’t want to scare the wife and kids.”
I slowly walked to the laundry room to stow my gear, remembering how I had helped install the tile floors. I hoped I had made a wise decision in coming to see my old college buddy. People were getting weird…
I could hear Tony’s wife giving him the third degree as I took off my muddied boots, and I almost broke down as I waited for them to sort it out.
Tony walked up to me holding a bottle of Bud Light – a precious commodity, “You look like you need this more than water.”
He was right.
“Thanks… listen if this is not a good idea, I can take off,” I said as I nodded my head in Carla’s direction.
“Oh that’s nothing. She’s just concerned that’s all.”
“Concerned for me, or concerned that there’s not much to go around.”
He looked at me for several moments. He could tell that something had happened. I was no longer the slightly immature, always looking to cross the line kind of guy he had known. There was a hollowness to my countenance that concerned and alarmed him.
“Both!”
“Alright man, I don’t want to intrude. I’ll leave, just tell her I stopped by for a visit.”
“No! I don’t know what happened, but you are not leaving until you’ve at least eaten something. Your half the man you were.”
He was right. In college and beyond he had always known me at around three hundred pounds. In my current state I probably only weighed two hundred. Months of rationing supplies and a hell of a lot of walking had changed me.
I showered, ate with them, shared small talk and played with the boys under the watchful eyes of a scared and possessive mother. It was very hard not to cry as I played with their toddler.
As dusk settled upon the land, like the fabled Technicolor Cloak, Tony let Carla put the kids to bed and ushered me out the sliding glass door to the deck I had promised to help him refinish. He produced two fat cigars from his Carhart jacket and gave me a look that meant I had better fess up.
“I failed, Tony. I…”
“Are they dead?” he interrupted.
I couldn’t admit it, but the look on my face must have told the horrifying details. He looked as if he wanted to hug me, but instead produced a bottle of Glenlivet and silently poured two generous glasses that had appeared out of no-where. We sipped old Scotch and smoked pungent cigars in silence, marveling at the painted horizon. Our relationship had always thrived on minimal speech, as if we had always possessed an intuitive understanding of each other.
They were kind enough to let me stay the night on the sofa. And Tony was also kind enough to leave a box of 12-gauge slugs on the table for me as I quietly left at 4:30 in the morning. I left him a note saying, “I’ve always valued your friendship. Thank you.”
#
My visit was felicitous, mostly from the shower and from contact with other people. I progressed South toward Lansing, in slightly higher spirits. I figured it was on the way toward my goal, and that if there any form of Government left in the state, it would be there.
I passed countless cars abandoned on the roadside as they ran out of fuel. There were remarkably few people traveling the highways. Perhaps it was because of the unnaturally cold weather, or the fact that people strayed away from a tall, manic looking man sporting an unruly beard and pump-action shotgun. The twenty five miles progressed quickly as I camped out under vivid stars by night, cooking what was left of small game – that was usually blown half apart by two ounces of heated lead – over an open flame. At times I was almost able to forget my recent past, lost in the tranquility of silence and solitude. But it always came crashing back to me, in my dreams. Dreams of crimson pools of blood and shadowy figures.
The funny thing about having a family is that you never think only of yourself. You always interject the family’s goals over your own. Everything from shopping to entertainment is determined by what is appropriate and affordable for a family. I believe that those first few weeks after that horrible day were the loneliest I’ve ever felt.
#
The capitol city of Lansing was a shadow of it’s former self. It was akin to a bad B-movie about post apocalyptic America, except there were no vampires or mutants; just loneliness, dramatic sunsets and human monsters. I have a theory about people, and it amazes me that human civilization has lasted as long as it has. People are not inherently good. Mankind is a feral beast by nature, and only maintains civility as long as there are goals and comforts available. If comfort is taken away, and hopelessness gains a foothold into the soul, then Darwin’s worst nightmare happens. People are funny creatures.
Lansing never was known as a ‘gang’ town. But just as most large cities in North America there is a gang presence, but Lansing never was out of control. However, given an opportunity to thrive, a monster will become stronger. Before the power was cut and television still worked, there had been reports of small bands of armed gangs that began taking over portions of the city. What had happened to the world just over a year ago was happening to cities across the country. Prejudices and territorial disputes engulfed the urban landscapes. In some cases entire cities would be razed and left in charred ruins because the inhabitants had reached a point of no return. Lansing wasn’t there yet, but it was close.
I saw my first corpse on the West-bound on-ramp to 496, his head was half blown off, he’d been looted and carrion eaters were feasting upon him. I didn’t bother to bury him because I figured he wouldn’t be the last body I’d see.
There were fires burning all over the city, casting a dirty glow and acerbic ambiance, as I approached. Random reports of gunfire and occasional wails could be heard from miles away.
I almost headed East then, and in some respects I wish I had. However, I had another social call to make. My friend Dustin and his family lived almost in the center of town. My curiosity for their safety overrode my sense of self preservation. Every step was cautious as I traveled into the powerless city.
Evening was engulfing the metropolis in inky darkness as I snuck up to the small cottage-style house. It relieved me to see that both of the familiar vehicles were gone. I told myself that they went to Portland to stay with Dustin’s mother or father. Whatever the case, they were not home and the door was still locked.
I proceeded to the rear of the house, my intent to make a stealthy entrance, stay the night and take my leave of the dying city as soon a possible. That was when a poodle sized canine with muddied, matted, blondish course hair nearly scared me out of my skin. The animal was in a terrible state. Thin, thirsty and just as scared as I was, he stood quivering by the large window of the addition making slight whimpering sounds.
“Hey there little buddy,” I said in as soothing a voice as I could, yet to me it sounded like the rattling of a tool box.
He cowered even more as I knelt down and my knees gave loud cracking noises.
“Sorry,” I apologized, “I’m getting older. How ’bout we go inside and try to get warm?”
I used one of my knives, a damascus bowie knife given to me as a high school graduation gift from a blade-smith friend, to cut the screen and pry open the sliding window. I had to grab the dog quickly before he could run away and tossed him in through the window, at which time he promptly scurried off terrified of me. I then hoisted by shrunken body through the window.
The interior of the home was as I remembered it, with the exception of refinished hardwood floors instead of worn carpet. Everything looked in order, which relieved me greatly. I felt pangs of regret knowing that it had been too long since I had seen my friend, who had graciously asked me to be his Best Man. I swayed in the shadows, momentarily consumed by grief, knowing I would never see him again.
I rummaged through the cupboards looking for food in the pale light offered by a gibbous moon. There wasn’t much, but I was able to collect a can of condensed milk, a can of corn, and some SPAM. I still had a package of ramen noodles in my pack. I cut off a generous portion of SPAM and laid it on a plate for the dog, assuming he would come out of hiding for food. I then bent to the task of preparing a stew with my ingredients.
The dog, which I had aptly named Mutt didn’t let me down and soon joined me in my feast. We familiarized ourselves and bonded shortly thereafter.
Dustin’s wife was an avid reader and had several bookcases full of volumes. They had been telling me for years that I should read C.S. Forester’s Horatio Hornblower. Therefore, I stuffed the books in my backpack for entertainment purposes after having removed my array of soiled clothes.
There was enough water in a 5 gallon jug to fill the bathtub so I could wash myself, my clothes and finally the dog. I also raided Dustin’s dresser for any remaining shirts, sweaters, and small-clothes I could find. He was a smaller man than I, and his pants wouldn’t fit even in my slimmer state.
I slept fitfully in my friend’s bed next to a content dog, hoping that they wouldn’t mind. I had to assume they were alive and well, it kept me from having bad dreams.
In the morning as I prepared to leave, I checked, on a hunch, the top of the book case in the living room. I remembered that Dustin had told me he kept a loaded forty-five up there in the event of a break-in. The long shot paid off, and I now had another weapon at my disposal along with a half empty box of “wad-cutter” ammunition. Designed for home defense, they have a soft lead bullet designed to deliver a hard impact without bursting through walls and potentially injuring neighbors. Dustin was a considerate guy…
#
I killed my first man on the way out of Lansing. I tried to keep mostly to the shadows, away from people and hopefully away from harm. I had made it to M.L.K Drive; almost to the Deja Vu, which I hadn’t been to in years, when I was approached by a man. The stranger sauntered toward me confidently showing a broken smile and yellow teeth. He had stringy, greasy hair and smelled of acid.
“Looking for any entertainment?” he asked. His voice reminded me of oil laden gravel pressed under car tires.
“No thanks,” I replied cautiously. He made the hairs on the back of my neck stand. I didn’t like the way he looked, or smelled.
“Looks to me like your pretty lonely,” he oozed. “I bet I have just the think you need.” He winked a jaundiced eye.
“No really, I’m fine.”
“Come on man,” he said. “I got it all. Young ladies, boys, mature, even got a cripple if that does it for you.”
“No,” I replied flatly. “I just want to be on my way.”
“Where you headed?” he asked, eying me suspiciously.
“Out of town, back out to the country,” I said as I started to walk away.
“Which direction?”
“North,” I lied. “Not that its any of your business.”
“Cold up North, sure you don’t want a little company first?” he persisted.
“No that that’s my FINAL answer,” I practically shouted.
“What’s the matter, don’t like people? Got it for your little dog there?” he spat.
“Go to Hell!” I returned. “I told you I’m not interested. Leave me alone!” I turned to walk away quaking in anger and frustration. Weeks of pent up emotions were suddenly boiling up with the force of a mega-culdera.
“Go to Hell? Screw you, you bastard. I’m just a business man, trying to make a living. What’s your problem? Don’t know how to do it? Got a little dick do ya, ‘fraid my toys will laugh at you, huh. They’ll do what ever I tell them too. They’d even screw their mothers if I told them to. What do you know, you limp dick. I gave you a chance to get your rocks off before I did you in, now I’m just gonna kill you fer fun,” he raved.
I turned back to him as I felt my shotgun being jerk off of my shoulder. In one fluid motion, I instinctively reached between my backpack and my lower back where I had secured Dustin’s pistol. He was leveling my own shotgun at me, screaming, “BASTARD!” when I shot him in the thigh.
The wad-cutter tore into his flesh, exiting out his groin in a horrific fist sized hole. He fell to the ground in agony screaming, “My dick, you blew off my dick.”
I was willing to walk away then, but he pressed me further by adding, “I’ll just have to take yours, since you don’t want to use it.”
“No, I don’t think so,” I said evenly, even though my heart was in my throat and my hands were shaking violently. All I could think about was that this depraved soul was the one who had raped and murdered my wife. My vision turned red in a heartbeat as I unloaded seven more slugs into the bleeding ingrate.
I don’t know how long I stood there absently pulling the trigger of the emptied Ruger, but the sound of my growling dog shook me back to reality.
Several pre-teen boys and girls along with an old woman and a one legged man who hobbled on crutches were approaching with terrified looks on their faces.
“Daddy Pickels?” a chocolate face girl of around eleven cried. She was clearly not the dead man’s progeny.
“You killed him,” one of the boys said in a agitated, squeaky voice.
“Now what are we supposed to do?” asked another.
“Get ‘im,” raged the old woman.
The group descended on corpse with a rage only told in the Bible. This was a vengeance, only believable in myth and legend, being visited upon the holed body of a twisted individual. I swept up my shotgun and ran as fast and as far as my emaciated body would let me.
#
I moved quickly through Owosso and soon found myself in Perry within a few days. I was reluctant to go to my Grandparent’s house, but I was in a state of shock and in need of a good night of rest. The weather was continually getting colder and my supplies were running low again.
My Grandparents were not home, and I was worried. The tiny house had been ransacked and there was evidence of a struggle. Guiltily, I was just too tired to search for them. I figured they were long gone in the bramble of terrible events unfolding around me.
I huddled in the basement for three days. My grandfather kept a small bedroom full of yard-sale musical instruments, old clocks and cameras; decades worth of salvaged treasures of a kind old man. It was there among the treasures that I finally broke to the pressure that had been building inside. I cried almost constantly at all the world had lost, all that I had lost.
It was there that I found my peace with God. Among the old cassette tapes of hymns and stacks of Our Daily Bread. I read the Holy Bible for the first time and argued with a deity I had never embraced. I called him a son-of-a-bitch, it read “I forgive you”. I screamed, “I hate you!” It read, “I love you.” I rallied and raved and finally relented before telling him, “I chose to ignore you.” It read, “Ignore me if you want, but I’m still here.” I heard no voice, no music nor Herald only the emptiness of the human condition.
I emerged a changed man. I think that releasing the grief that I had been repressing allowed me to assume a new role. The role of a survivor. I was in control of my life because I was willing to accept what fate blew at me. I would adapt, change, anneal myself to reality. I would become the aggressor and not the victim. I had killed, I had somewhat enjoyed it because it was justice on some degree. I would be willing to do it again to preserve myself. I don’t have to like it, but I will do it.
Now as I approach my chosen destination, I reflect on the life that made me most happy. I will relive these memories of my former life, not because they haunt me, but because they strengthen me. They will keep me grounded to the person I was, while I develop the person I have to be. After all, people are funny. I will remember looking into the blue seas of love that were the eyes of my wife as I said “I do”. I will remember the first time I held my daughter and the tears that mingled with her first cries of life. I will remember the simple things, like eating dinner as a family or watching Dora the Explorer because it was all we could do to stop an angry toddler from crying. I will remember life, even though the path I follow may take me to death.
I can see it now. A green sign, five foot long and covered with icicles in September. Hell has frozen over…